IF WE DON’T TRANSFORM OUR PAIN…

This quote has been the theme of my holiday these past couple of weeks.

I was fortunate enough to spend two weeks in Crete, away from my phone, my laptop and the ‘daily grind’.

(Please take a moment and inform yourself about the fires raging in Greece at the moment. The world is literally on fire and there is in fact so much each of us can do when it comes to speaking up and demanding action from our governments re the climate crisis. If you don't know what / how, you can start here.)

As happens so often, when I finally got to stop, reflect and breathe, a lot came up for me in this time of rest.

As someone who frequents therapy and has a very active and consistent reflection practice, I wasn’t surprised.

From reflecting on my experiences in previous workplaces, my childhood in Germany to a whole lot of other things, somehow this particular holiday was marked by internal work and the need to process.

It seemed like more than a coincidence, that I came across this quote half way through the second week. Here it is one more time:

‘If we don’t transform our pain, we will
Most assuredly transmit it, usually to those closest to us.’
Richard Rohr

Phew. Let’s be honest, it’s not like this is something we didn’t know. Not like it’s something I didn’t know.

Maybe it was because of where I was at, maybe because of where I was, but somehow reading this quote brought so much home.

I love the notion that this quote speaks to ‘transforming’ pain, rather than processing it. Processing trauma is something I’ve heard a lot and have always struggled with a little bit. Anyone who has ever experienced something truly traumatic might know what I mean. The idea of processing and the way it was sold to me, often felt like there was an expectation  to just be okay on the other side of 'processing'. I would be able to move on and never think about it again. That hasn't worked for me and I’m getting the feeling it never will.

The idea of transform and heal however, makes more sense to me.

It’s a little like, when we hurt ourselves (at this point I could go into telling you a story of how I almost cut off the top of my finger during my vacation, because I had placed a razor into my toiletry bag, no lid, but I’ll spare you. Suffice to say I will NEVER do that again) and we end up with an open wound. I can either do nothing with it and hope it just goes away (depending on how deep the wound is, this will most likely result in some form of infection which will make life much harder than had one just gone and cleaned the bloody wound) , or I can clean the wound, let it heal and live with a scar that can remind me of what I’ve been through, what I’ve survived.

That’s how I understand the idea of ‘transform’. That’s what I’ve experienced and am experiencing. There are things that don’t hurt deeply anymore, things that happened that were pretty bad, but thanks to therapy, friends and wonderful practices, I’ve been able to transform and channel those experiences somewhat.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but think deeply into how this quote and its principle is true on several levels:

On an individual and personal level I know this to be truer than I’d like to admit.

I know that throughout my life, pain I left untransformed, in turn caused pain in people I loved dearly.

My unresolved insecurities showed (and show) up in overcompensating ways causing harm.

My unresolved trauma showed (and shows) up in harmful behaviours towards myself (and really who’s closer to us than ourselves) and those around me.

The list goes on. Can you relate?

If we don’t transform our pain…

It’s also true on a familial and community level.
We know enough about generational trauma these days. Whilst research on the epigenetic impact is still a little rarer, the behavioural understanding of generational trauma itself should be enough reason for us to seek to transform our pain. To end the cycles of trauma passing from one generation to another.

If we don’t transform our pain…

Then I thought about it on the societal level.
Communities, nations, and global connections.

The pain that was caused through colonisation and the transatlantic slave trade for example, doesn’t just need to be processed and resolved in those of us who are descendants of those on the receiving end to these atrocities.

Every time a human causes another human harm, dehumanises another human, we loose a little bit of our own humanity and thereby cause ourselves pain. (Brenée Brown talks about this here)

I therefore want to suggest, that there is also pain in the descendants of those who did the oppressing. Different pain I’m sure, but pain nonetheless. And that pain needs to be transformed too.

This made me wonder:

How do we transform pain? On either one of these levels?

Firstly, in my (continuously growing experience) we can only transform what we face.

The ancestor James Baldwin said it well:

‘Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.’

The things that wreaked most havoc in my life in terms of transmitting pain to myself and others, were the things I had buried so deep, I had convinced myself they never happened.

The things I pretended I had dealt with.

The things I never considered to be trauma, pain, what have you, in the first place.

It wasn’t until my mid twenties (and has been an ongoing process since) when I got so unwell on so many levels, that I had to start facing some things. That’s when the transformation process started.

Secondly, I’ve learnt that I can’t do it alone.

Facing my pain and trauma so I can transform it, requires more than excellent self-reflection - it requires mirrors in the form of people.

My therapist is one of those mirrors, sure, but it’s really my closest friends, the people I live in community with and whom I have given permission to hold me accountable, who are the living mirrors helping me see myself and the things I still carry clearly. And then help me commit to myself, our community and my healing over and over again.

How then do these two things (and I’m sure there are more, but this is already the longest newsletter I’ve ever ever written, so I’m trying to stop myself from writing a whole book here ha!) translate into the context of society at large and history in particular?

We must collectively remember and face the past for what it was.

There’s no way around it. Whether we’re talking about the examples above or any other world stage scenario (I was interviewed for my friend’s podcast the other day and we did this exercise with Europe’s internal crisis’ of the 19th and 20th century, it’s still true) governments, thought leaders and society at large (which reflects in education systems, how / where money is spent etc.) must FACE and own up to the truth of the past. I know not everyone will get on board. But a critical mass can and we can do our part by holding those bodies to account.

Reparations must be paid.

In the same way I have to be held accountable by my mirrors and mend what was broken, the nations descending from those who caused harm, must take responsibility and pay their dues. Not just because it’s right, but also because if there is ever to be a chance of true equality among nations, the peoples of this world, what was stolen must be returned. It’s simple maths really.

(Reparations come in many forms, if you’re unsure what I’m talking about, start here)

New structures and systems must be built.

We can’t honestly think, that once we’ve ‘transformed’ pain, we can just go back to the way things were. Let’s use an individual example again: If (hypothetical here ;)) my unresolved trauma caused me to be in toxic and harmful relationships that always followed a similar pattern, the fruit of my ‘processing’, if I truly want to transform the pain long term, must look like NOT going back to those patterns. Obvious right?

Well if the systems we have become so accustomed to have been built on the backs and by way of oppressing some, to maintain power of the few and all that jazz, then surely we have to understand, that transforming pain is not just a pretty gesture. It has to include fundamental change.

I believe, that it’s possible to transform our pain.
Individually, in our families, our communities, and our societies and world at large.

I have to believe it because honestly looking around at the moment, things can often look pretty bleak. So I choose hope.

I choose to believe that, in the words of Andre Henry

'It doesn’t have to be this way. A new world is possible.'

How are you going to transform your pain this week? How will you contribute to your community, our world at large to transform pain?
I sure hope you’ll take a minute to reflect and no matter how small a step you choose to take, know it matters.

Our world may well depend on it.

With all my love and respect,

Jess